I love my sister.

I really love my sister. She recently posted this to Facebook and I would say it puts her on just about the same level as Saint Francis.

Some people in veterinary medicine choose to not tell people about it because then people like to tell you every problem that Fluffy, Muffy, and Princess Floppy Ears has and about their thoughts on each kind of pet. I chose to embrace the “knowledge” that these people give me simply because they make great f-ing stories.

I think she has “the worms”

So one day I decided to discuss the benefits of a shelter dog rather than a pure bred. Not that you kids out there with pure breds did anything wrong I’m just all about a cute little mutt. So here was this delightful conversation:

Me: “Yeah, shelter pups are great and they are way less expensive than a pure bred and now some shelters are even training them before you get them.”

Crazy Lady: “But I heard all shelter dogs have…the worms.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Crazy Lady: “You know the worms, they get them from living on the streets.”

1. I thoroughly enjoy that she is talking about worms like they are an STD.

2. I also enjoy that she believes all shelter dogs are little hood rats brought to the shelter off the street.

Me: “Well ma’am all puppies can have worms even the puppies from breeders.”

Crazy Lady: “That is so untrue none of my dogs have ever had the wormsthey are from the most outstanding breeders in Columbus! Where do you get off saying that my dogs have that dirty disease.”

Well worms aren’t a disease you f tard they are a parasite. And I also enjoy that she walked away and picked her ass, cause then I thought to myself she totally kisses her dog on the mouth and her dog gave her a tapeworm that is dangling out of her butt right now and that’s why she is itching it….ha. Probably not true but still funny.

That thing will eat your face off.

So at Moochie I love asking people what kind of dog they have and sometimes they’ll ask me back which I love cause then I get to tell them about my pittie

Me: “Well what kind of dog do you have sir.”

Jerk: “I have a Bichon Frise (said in his best French accent which sound more middle eastern than anything), what kind of dog do you have?”

Me: “Well I have a little pit bull mix.”

Jerk: “A pit bull, those are the most vicious dogs alive, I hope you don’t have children I would never trust a pit around my kids.”

Me: “Actually she is a great dog, she would never hurt a fly. She is awesome with my little cousins too, I would trust her with anyone, she is fantastic.”

Jerk: “Well one day that fantastic thing will eat your face off.”

Really? Eat my face off? Actually I’ll eat yours off you fuck. Don’t tell me what my dog will do, she is a great dog and she is Jesus (according to Hannah) and Jesus would never hurt anyone so Jerk you can back the F off. He left my store shortly after that must have seen me getting my punching arm ready.

Mini English Bulldogs

This poor, sweet, dumb as a doornail girl, I really wish God would have given her a brain.

Me: “You have the cutest little baby English bulldog.”

Dumb Dumb: “Oh he isn’t a baby, he is actually 4. He is just a mini English bulldog.”

Me: “They make mini English bulldogs?”

Dumb Dumb: “Yeah aren’t they great?!”

Me: “Well as if the breed didn’t have enough problems lets make it smaller, that was a pretty dumb idea.”

Dumb Dumb: “No way it was a great idea cause now since they are like smaller there is less like you know surface area to have problems with.”

Less surface area people, that is key to a healthy pet.

Gotta love that family tree

People always tell me they don’t want a shelter dog because they want to know that their dog’s parents were healthy dogs which you know can be a pretty legit excuse. However this one woman was just oblivious to the fact that the world is not everything she thinks it is. She was talking about her puppy and how great it is that because he is purebred she knows his parents were just top of the list with genes. Blah blah blah. So I asked her what breeder she got him from and she told me, “Oh this family who live at 123 Dublin Way in Dublin, OH 12345. I never went there but that’s what my papers from Petland say.” Not only did your dog not come from 123 Dublin Way but your puppies parents live on cages stacked on top of each other, eat their own feces plus 6 other dogs feces, and his mom is bred over and over and over again until she dies. Your puppy is at the bottom of the list in the gene pool and his brain activity is that of a banana. Also his mom and dad yeah they are cousins and siblings and Siamese twins separated at birth.

Rabies

This is just funny, one day a woman told me that pit bulls are bred to have rabies and that’s why they attack so many people. Love it.

The designer dogs of designer dogs

I simply love people with designer dogs. I love bullshiz, fuggles, golden doodles, chipoos, peekapoos, maltipoms, bugs, jackshitz, teddybear dogs, boxita, toy rat doxi, basseatoodle, and poma-chi-malti-york-jack-pug-bull-toy-beagle-cava-shiz-pek-apoo-poo-poo. Yep and I love that they think their dog is a pure bred, no sweetheart your little pup there is a glorified mutt. Personally I have a Boxer Bull and a German Husky both were a measly $60 at the dog pound. So even if it is clear from the name what 2 breeds of dog it is I love when people think I’m a tard ass and explain their designer breed to me cause I just smile and nod. And I love the girl who told me, “well I had a malti-poo and my boyfriend had a dachshund, so we like bred our dogs and then we had doxi-malti-poos, then like my friend had a Chi-pom so we bred one of our doxi-malti-poos with the chi-pom and then it was a like doxi-chi-malti-pom-apoo and then…” Well that was when I tuned her out and thought of ways to murder her in my head, in the end when she finished all I could muster up to say is, “knife or gun.” She slowly walked away.

Micro Mini Teacup Chihuahuas

Talking about spaying and neutering with retards at a vet clinic is never easy cause some people like freak out. I usually will just tell them A. if they have a girl I hope she gets a pyometra and dies or B. if it’s a boy I hope he pisses on your shit for the rest of your life. I hate seeing dogs with enlarged nipples and giant saggy balls. Yes I know I love dead stuff but nipples and balls no thank you. But anyway me and this crazy tiny Chihuahua lady had a great conversation where she failed to realize I was making fun of her.

Me: “Well since Zoey (gotta love that original name there) is about 6 months old, lets talk about getting her spayed.”

MMTC Lady: “I think my wittle Zoey is just a wittle too small to have surgery.”

Me: “Well our doctors are doing spays on guinea pigs and reptiles now so I don’t think you need to worry about her size.”

MMTC Lady: “Well I think I actually might breed her because I know a woman with a male tinier than Zoey and we are gonna try for mini micro mini teacups.”

Lady don’t tell me you are worried about surgery on such a small dog when you are gonna let her get plowed but some midget Chihuahua and then squeeze 3 to 4 giant headed Chihuahua babies out of her vag!

Me: “Did you know that its probably easier to breed hamsters?”

MMTC Lady: “Oh don’t be silly, hamsters are so small and dogs have way better personalities.”

Me: “So how small will these mini micro mini teacups be?”

MMTC Lady: “We would like them to stay under half a pound full grown.”

Me: “Did your polly pocket ask for a puppy this Christmas?”

MMTC Lady: “You’re really funny, no we just want our dogs to go everywhere with us and the smaller they are the better we can hide them.”

At this point I had to leave the room cause I hate dumb people. It’s a dog, keep it at home it will be there when you get back I promise.

Having a job where you work with animals in a hospital setting is just about the hardest thing. You not only have to have a professional attitude as you should at any job, but you become peoples consultants, therapists, friends and almost as much their family as their beloved pets. You also can become as much their scratching posts as the posh one they bought for their cat and can be put on the same level as their dogs favorite chew toy.

Since I have started working in the same setting I have also met some of the best people who work in this field. It's tough dealing with all the crazies who think having a pet is "easy", or "cheap". Having a pet is a responsibility, and I strongly believe that there are people out there that should not be allowed to have them, just as I strongly believe that certain people should not be allowed to procreate.

My sister is my hero. She has held some tough jobs in her life and almost worked for Dick's and Hooters at the same time. She is trying really hard to support herself and if anyone can do it, she definitely can. She also always finds a way to smile in the end, and that, has to be her most admirable quality. I mean, you read, maybe, this whole post. It's HYSTERICAL! My sister will never fail to make me crack up. I love her.